Using Byron Katie's "The Work" in Your Relationship

Years ago, I read a book that changed my life: Loving What Is by Byron Katie.

Loving What Is is about accepting that reality as it is in this moment cannot be changed. What is already happening in this moment is already happening. “The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is."

One quote that really stuck with me:

"When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100% of the time.”

I loved this idea and really started to practice loving reality as it is, rather than resisting or believing it should be any other way. I've learned that accepting reality as it is in this moment frees me from unnecessary suffering, and I can redirect that energy to the things that are in my control.

This brings to mind the Serenity Prayer:

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

Learning to accept reality as it is has brought me a beautiful peace of mind and clarity. However, there are times when I find it more challenging to accept reality than others. For example: facing a challenging emotion, like feeling hurt. It is easy in a moment like that to think that it should be different. It is natural to feel that they should have been kinder, or that you should not be so sensitive, or.... there are so many things that can arise when we feel a challenging emotion.

The Work

In these cases, I practice what Byron Katie teaches, the 4 questions, aka "The Work". This is a really powerful tool to get your mind clear when you're feeling some ick. 

Here's how it works:

First, identify what you are believing about the situation: about someone else, about yourself, about life in general... write down any phrases that come to mind.

For example, "he should be kinder to me".

Then, ask the 4 questions:

1. Is this true?

The answer to this at first is often a big yes. YES he should be kinder to me!

2. Can I absolutely know that this is true?

When we really think about it, anything that we are believing that argues with reality - that things should be different, cannot be true. In reality, he should be however he is being, because that's how he is being, and what has already happened cannot be changed! So, when we ask this question, we usually find that no, we cannot know with 100% certainty that this is true.

3. How do I feel & behave when I believe this thought?

This is where we go inward to examine the impact of believing this thought. When I believe he should be kinder to me, I feel frustration, I feel hurt, betrayal, I feel a knot it my stomach. I am blaming him for my feeling this way, and this makes me retreat and feel righteous, and I also resent myself for feeling this way. This creates more distance between us.

4. How would I feel & behave without this thought?

Without this thought, I could see the situation more clearly. I could consider his comment from a different perspective. Perhaps it was just meant to be funny. Without this thought, I would not be feeling so frustrated and hurt, and my body would feel more relaxed. I would start a loving conversation instead of retreating.

Turn it around.

Here, you state the opposite of the thought you are believing, and then consider whether this is at least as true or more true than your original thought. Most thoughts can be turned around in a few ways.

ex: "He should be kinder to me" becomes:

"He shouldn't be kinder to me." Is this true? Yes, because he should be exactly as he is being in this moment - that is the reality, so nothing else is possible.

"I should be kinder to him." Is this true? Yes... when I look at it this way, I see how I was not being kind to him either, and I am not being kind to him now.

"I should be kinder to me." Is this true? Yes... I am not being kind to myself right now, stewing in this frustration, and resenting myself for feeling this way.

Through this example, you can see the power of the 4 questions, and accepting reality as it is right now, as a way to remove suffering.

Now, this doesn't mean that by accepting what is you are condoning someone's poor behaviour, but doing The Work provides the clarity to see what the real issue is, and then to communicate that. From this place of clarity, and by accepting your part in it, however big or small, you can make requests or set boundaries as necessary.

Once I've gotten clear that I cannot change what has already happened, and I've shifted my perspective to see my own part in it and to consider what else could be true, then I dissolve the unnecessary suffering that comes along with the belief.

Now, I can approach the conversation with clarity about how I am feeling. I can express how I am feeling, take responsibility for my part in it, and then discuss the behaviour in question and make a request for kinder behaviour. This conversation is likely to be much more loving, calm, and collaborative than it would be if I came at it with the belief "he should be kinder".

Practice

Loving What Is can be a really powerful tool in your relationship. Your cue to use this tool is anytime you find yourself resisting reality, thinking something should be different with your partner or yourself in the relationship.

You can use this tool in the moment that resistance arises, and it will give you a much more clear perspective.

You don't have to wait for a moment like this to start using this tool.

Here is a powerful exercise to do right now - grab your journal and let's do it!

Make a list of everything you believe about your partner that causes some resistance or less than great feelings. Think about thoughts that you have about your partner, especially ones that include "always" and "never". Think back on any recent times that you've felt upset toward your partner, and what you were thinking about them that caused you to be upset:

For example:- she always needs to be right- he never listens to me- she doesn't appreciate me- he doesn't make enough time for me

Write down as many as you can think of.

Now, for each one of these, apply the 4 Questions and the Turn Around.

You may find a new perspective. You may see that your belief about your partner's actions were causing more suffering than the actions themselves. With the belief and the suffering out of the way, you can see more clearly what you can do to have a positive impact on the situation. You can make a request of your partner, express a need, or communicate a boundary.

Turning the beliefs around is also a really powerful way to see your own part in the situation. So often, the things we blame others for are things that we do ourselves. You know the expression, point a finger at someone and there are 3 pointing back at you? The things that bother us about other people usually point to something that needs healing in ourselves. This gives us an opportunity to be the change. When see something in our partner that bothers us, we can work to change that behaviour or attitude ourselves, leading by example, rather than pointing the finger and waiting for our partner to change.

This is the beauty of a loving relationship. Our partner can be a mirror for us, to illuminate the things that we have yet to heal in ourselves. It is natural that our partner triggers us, and this is such a gift. It gives us the opportunity to continually grow, and to support each other in that growth and healing.

When both partners are committed to this growth and support each other in the process, this is what a conscious relationship is all about.

Love Fully,

Cass & Matt