5 Ingredients for Sweet Spot Sex

Sweet Spot Sex is about more than pleasure and more than connecting more deeply with your partner.

These are both important and beautiful things, but what makes Sweet Spot Sex special is the transformational, expansive, and even spiritual experience that is possible.

I’m talking about the kind of sex where you feel like your bodies have merged, you’re experiencing as one. You’ve gone beyond the mind, even beyond the body, in an experience of bliss.

Your orgasm becomes more of an expansive, blissful state that you play in rather than a brief moment in time.

This kind of sex has ripple effects into the rest of your life.

It has the power to heal and transform, and to awaken you to your truth, your creativity, and your power.

When we committed to a sacred sexuality practice, having an experience like this was more of an aspiration, and something we caught a glimpse of once in a while, unreliably.

As our practice developed, we began to discern some key ingredients that help us to experience what we like to call Sweet Spot Sex.

Now, it’s important to note that there is no secret formula for great sex. Your sexual desire and pleasure is a complex system made up of many factors, some physical but largely contextual.

What works for you one day might be different the next, and while our ingredients for Sweet Spot Sex might be a helpful guide, the best guide will be your own body, and your own exploration of what contexts support your sexual flourishing.

That being said, the 5 keys that we’ve developed are quite universal, and I believe that practicing any of them will help you to create a more fulfilling sexual experience.

Even if you already have a great sex life, there is always another level to explore through sacred sexuality.

Let’s dive in!

The 5 Ingredients for Sweet Spot Sex

1. No Expectations.
   

   A few weeks back I wrote a whole blog post about the impact of expectations in sex and intimacy - you can read that here.  

   Expectations can include anything from the expectation of orgasm, pleasure, how your body should respond, how your partner should act or respond… really any beliefs about the way sex should or should be, and how you and your partner should or shouldn’t be.

   Expectations like this prevent us from being totally present and discovering the journey of our sexual pleasure from moment to moment.

   When we release all expectations, we make room for new experiences, and we give ourselves the freedom to discover our experience just as it is, rather than trying to shape or control our experience.
   
   

2. Presence.

   Do you ever notice yourself thinking about other things during sex?

   It is a natural thing - the mind loves to wander. You may be thinking about what to do next, about how you are moving, how you look or something totally unrelated like a TV show you’re into. 
   
   Anytime your mind is caught up in thinking, then your awareness is not in the body, and in the present moment experience.
   
   Cultivating a deep presence during sex will help to expand your pleasure, connect more deeply with your partner, and have awareness of your own body and everything that arises within it.    

   Treating sex like a meditation is a great way to cultivate this awareness.

   Just like in meditation, notice where your attention is directed. If you notice yourself thinking, that’s great - celebrate the awareness, and then choose to direct your attention back to your body.
   
   Feeling the sensations in your body, feeling your breath, or looking into your partner’s eyes are all great ways to come back into full presence.
   
   You may also want to create an agreement with your partner that you will remind each other to come back to presence if you notice that the other seems to have their mind elsewhere. You can choose to use a word like “presence”, or place a hand on your partner’s cheek and look into their eyes to bring them back to the present moment.
   
   

3. Surrender.

   Surrender is about relaxing into the experience and releasing any attempt to control.
   
   Physically relaxing your body helps to bring about a more general sense of surrender.
   
   If you notice yourself tensing any muscles that are not directly involved in your movements, consciously relax those muscles. 
   
   The more your body is relaxed, the more that your sexual energy can move throughout your body, creating a more expansive experience.
   
   A relaxed body also supports a relaxed mind. Just like in yoga, the aim is to only use whatever muscles are necessary for movement, and relax the rest. This conscious relaxation of muscles is mirrored in the relaxation of the mind.
   
   You can also agree with your partner to remind each other to relax your bodies when you notice them holding tension.
   
   

4. Follow the Pleasure.

   It can be easy for the body to follow habitual patterns during sex. You may be going through the motions, or moving your body based on your expectations of performance.
   
   This all inhibits your direct connection with the experience of pleasure.
   

   The aim is for all of your awareness to be centered right within your experience of pleasure.

   Then, from this place, you can use the other tools of surrender and no expectations to follow where that pleasure leads, rather than where your mind leads.
   
   One great way to get your awareness centered in your pleasure is to come to stillness, take a few deep breaths, and feel your body. Then, together, start moving in the tiniest of movements.

   Keep the movements very small, and focus all of your awareness on whatever sensations are arising, without any expectation of where they lead.
   
   I imagine this experience like finding the end of a thread, and then following that thread along. The thread of your pleasure will lead you right into the Sweet Spot.
   
   

5.  Make it a Practice.

   The rest of these tools and concepts are only helpful if they are applied and practiced.
   
   Making sex a practice provides a powerful framework in which to explore and continuously improve and expand together.
   
   Just like a yoga practice is different than stretching, so too is a sexual practice different than having sex.
   
   A practice involves a commitment to growth, and deliberate action. It also necessitates that you make other adjustments in your life in order to support your practice.
   

   
   Top tips for creating your sexual practice:

   - Make the time. Schedule time when you and your partner can be fully present with each other for your practice.
   
   - Dial in your energy. Showing up fully for your practice is much easier when you are fully charged and well rested. Getting enough sleep is so supportive for having great sex. This may require you to make some shifts in your schedule to make sure you have enough time for sex while still getting a good night of sleep. Avoiding alcohol and late heavy meals will also help you show up with more energy.   
   
   - Learn new things. Seek new information and perspectives, and adopt an experimenter’s mindset as you apply what you learn to your practice.
   
   - Be consistent. You will see the most improvements in your experience if you continue to practice intentionally over a long period of time. Whether you desire to practice once a week or every day or anywhere in between, agree on a schedule with your partner that works for both of you and your lifestyle, and be consistent.
    
   - Build habits that support you in maintaining your sacred sexuality practice.

Even practicing ONE of these tools intentionally is likely to shift your experience in a positive way.

I encourage you to share what you learned with your partner, and together decide what one thing you want to apply to improve your sex life.

If you’re interested in deepening your intimacy and expanding your sex life, join our FREE 30 Day Intimacy Challenge for couples.

Each day you’ll receive an email with a focus for the day to bring to your lovemaking, and a question to ask each other. Take a leap together, have some fun, and see what happens!

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