Relationship as a Path of Growth

While there are many paths to self-actualization, I have found sex and relationship to be particularly powerful.

In the intimate relationship, if you are playing full out and you truly long to access the deepest depths of love, there is no hiding.

It requires you to show up with all parts of yourself. Not just the parts that you are proud of, but also the parts that you would like to deny live within you.

Attempting to hide any part of yourself - consciously or unconsciously - becomes a block to deeper intimacy, and at some point as you grow closer in love, these parts will surface, giving you the beautiful opportunity to face them and heal them within the container of your love.

Another thing that makes the arena of relationship so powerful is that it is a continual practice.

In most other practices - take yoga for example - you may set aside your practice for a week or a month or more when things get challenging, uncomfortable, or boring. In conscious relationship, there is no pausing the practice (assuming you want the relationship to continue).

When things get challenging, uncomfortable, or boring, it is an invitation to get vulnerable and shine your awareness on what is challenging, and face it with compassion as a team, growing stronger and closer in the process.

Relationship is a constant reminder to stay on the path of your awakening.

What’s up with the “Honeymoon Phase”?

You may have heard of a thing called the “Honeymoon Phase” the first phase of a relationship that tends to be mostly positive, getting along, having great sex, etc. The story goes that eventually problems start to creep in, and it’s basically downhill from there.

Well, I’m here to call BS on that story.

It is totally possible to have a relationship that continues to deepen in love and bring wonderful gifts to your life.

However, there also is something to the idea of the honeymoon phase.

You see, in order to undertake the kind of healing and transformation necessary for our self-liberation and actualization, our minds, our bodies, and our nervous systems require a container of safety.

In order to access the deep parts of us that are ready to be felt and healed, we need to know that we are safe, loved, and held.

This is both an inner safety, and also a safety in the relationship.

During the honeymoon phase, you are getting to know each other more deeply, and coming to trust each other deeply. At some point, in a healthy relationship, you come to feel a true sense of safety in the relationship and with your partner. You trust that the love that you share is strong enough to hold all parts of yourself.

Your system senses this safety, and it goes, “ah, finally I feel safe enough to let the unfelt things to arise in order to be healed”.

This is mostly recognized on a subconscious level.

So, when you start getting triggered by things your partner says or does that previously didn’t phase you, or your partner gets upset about things that never were an issue before, it’s easy to think, “something’s wrong with the relationship”.

But in reality (assuming that you have maintained a foundation of love in the relationship), this surfacing of challenging emotions is a sign that there is something very right in your relationship.

You’ve created a context of love and safety in which the unfelt things that are ready to be healed and transformed are coming to light.

This is a key step in the path of conscious relationship: recognizing your challenges as opportunities for healing, growth, and transformation.

How you go about that process of healing and transformation is more than I can cover in a blog post, and this is the work that I do with couples and individuals 1-on-1.

The important takeaway here is that the end of the “honeymoon phase” does not have to mean that your relationship starts to go downhill. It can be the start of a relationship even more rich and deeply loving than you could have imagined.

The difference is all in the approach.

What do you do when challenges arise? Do you think there must be something wrong with your relationship, your partner, or yourself? Do you sweep the challenges under the rug, thinking “it’s no big deal”?

Or do you do the powerful, often difficult work of alchemizing those challenges into healing and transformation?

The Practice of Relationship

In Classical Tantra, there is an underlying philosophy that everything in your life can be used for your spiritual growth.

There are tools and processes that you can learn, practice and master to support each other in your growth journey, and having a coach to guide the process can be extremely helpful.

You can turn anything into a ritual or spiritual practice with intention + conscious awareness + tools.

For example, what makes meditation different from just sitting? You sit with an intention, with conscious awareness, and you use tools.

Committing to Relationship as a Path of Growth means holding an intention for your relationship, bringing your conscious awareness, and learning tools.

If this all sounds interesting to you, here is a reflection that you can do to begin to approach your relationship as a powerful arena of growth:

Reflection for those in a Relationship

(reflection for singles below)

I invite you to answer these questions in a journal now, or save them for another time soon when you’ll have the time and space to do the reflection.

1. What are my intentions for my relationship?
   How do I want to feel? In what ways do I want to grow? What do I want my relationship to be like?
2. How can I bring more conscious awareness to my relationship?
   Brainstorm some ways that you can remind yourself of your intentions, and to approach challenges as opportunities to grow together. Examples: share this post with my partner, talk to my partner about what I learned about relationship as a path of growth, share my intentions for the relationship with my partner, get a coach to help us stay aware and learn helpful processes, read some books about relationships, etc.
3. What is 1 tool that I already know of that I could use in my relationship now?
   Examples: active listening, presence, Non-Violent Communication (NVC), 30 Day Intimacy Challenge, etc.

Reflection for Singles

1. What are my intentions for my relationship with myself?
   How do I want to feel emotionally, and in my body? How do I want to grow? If I want a relationship, what are my intentions for a relationship?
2. How can I bring more conscious awareness to my relationship with myself?
   Examples: make time for silence, do more of what feels good, get a coach, read a book about love/healing/personal transformation, journal, etc.
3. What is 1 tool that I already know of that I could use to deepen my relationship with myself now?
   Examples: meditation, body-awareness practices, breathwork, dance, etc.

Well, this has been a pretty densely packed blog post.

What was your #1 takeaway?

Thanks for reading to the end, and I hope you learned something that you can use to improve your relationship and your life today!