Better Communication Starts with This Key Tool

How much of your communication as a couple involves you and your partner talking at each other vs. really deeply listening to one another?

Do you ever notice yourself talking without really knowing what you’re trying to say?

Do you ever find your conversations dance around a subject without getting to the heart of it?

The Foundation of Great Communication

The foundation of great communication is presence.

And presence takes practice.

I like to think of listening as an active meditation. While your point of focus is usually the breath in meditation, in conversation your point of focus becomes your partner and what they are communicating.

Just like in meditation, you maintain your focus on this, and any time you notice your own thoughts, judgements, or wandering mind, you simply recognize it, and then refocus on your partner.

So much of the time when we are “listening” to someone else speak, we are taking in their words, but there is often another layer of our own judgements, analysis, and thoughts that are clouding us from listening at the deepest level.

We may be thinking of what we will say next, or making meaning about what our partner just said.

This means that we are often not hearing the true meaning of our partner’s words, but instead our own interpretation and imagined meaning.

And so often this happens without us even realizing.

Presence Needs to be Practiced

When we commit to practicing presence, it doesn’t mean that we will always be 100% present. In meditation, a successful practice isn’t one in which you had zero thoughts, but it is one in which you are noticing when thoughts arise, and refocusing your attention.

It’s the same thing with listening. The practice of presence isn’t about never having a thought while your partner is talking to you, but noticing when you lose presence, and then refocusing on your partner.

The more you practice this, the more you will notice the difference in the quality of your interaction and your understanding of your partner when you are fully present and when you are not.

Your partner will start to notice the difference as well.

We tend to get used to the standard of the usual quality of interaction in our relationship, so you may not notice that your partner isn’t fully present. But when you experience your partner’s true full presence, then that is what you will crave from them, because you’ve experienced the depth of connection it creates.

My Relationship Experience

Before this was something we practiced in our own relationship, Matt’s level of presence wasn’t something I really thought about, apart from whether he was visibly distracted or looking at me while I was talking.

But once presence became an area of practice for us, I really started to notice the difference.

Now if I am talking, flowing along, with Matt listening to me with full presence, and then I notice that I am having a harder time putting my words together, and the depth of connection has lessened subtly, I know that Matt’s presence has slipped.

I will pause, and sure enough, Matt will say - sorry, I just had a thought.

Our attunement to each other’s presence has become so strong that I will actually lose my train of thought if Matt’s presence waivers.

This level of presence in our interactions also means that when Matt is fully present, he understands what I’m communicating and follows along right with me, like a beautiful dance, almost as if we are one mind.

I notice that when my partner listens with full presence, it helps me to also be present with myself as I am speaking. It helps me get to the heart of what I am saying rather than just stringing a bunch of words together that don’t end up meaning much.

Staying Committed to the Practice

This is something we have been practicing for many years now, and we still notice our minds wandering at times, or notice the mind wanting to interject with what we will say next, or making meaning about what we just heard.

But we stay committed to the practice of presence, and give ourselves grace for the times that our lack of presence leads to communication breakdowns. We bring a spirit of curiosity to those moments.

When you have a practice of presence, then bringing a loving awareness to the moments when you are not present is part of the practice.

Give each other permission to pause and ask for each other’s full presence.

Improving Your Presence

Practicing meditation is the best way to improve your presence overall.

Meditation helps you to become aware of your own thought patterns, and trains your mind to be able to focus on one thing for longer without the distraction of thoughts.

If your mind keeps interjecting with thoughts while you are practicing meditation, sitting quietly with no distractions, then you can bet it’s doing the same thing while you are listening to your partner, and you may not even be noticing.

So, taking the time to practice watching your thoughts in silence with no distractions will have a direct benefit to your quality of presence with your partner. You’ll be able to notice more quickly when you’ve become distracted and then refocus your attention.

Presence is foundational for great communication, and it is also one of the keys of Sweet Spot Sex (read more about that here).

Practicing presence will have benefits in all parts of your intimate relationships, as well as in all of your other relationships and in your work.

Today might be a good day to start practicing!