Turning Conflict into Growth

When conflict - big or small - happens in a relationship, it is tempting to want to move past it quickly.

You might withdraw from the interaction, you might be dismissive of your partner, or otherwise avoid the conversation. You may feel that there is something unresolved, but think to yourself “it’s not worth bringing up”.

Or, you may get into a shouting match and then agree to “drop it”, with both of you feeling that you haven’t really been fully understood by your partner.

Feelings left unresolved or small moments of conflict glossed over are not harmless, even if you have agreed to “just forget about it”. These small moments stack up over time.  

Over the course of years and even decades, these small moments can create big rifts.

You may find yourself one day years from now looking at your partner over this rift and wondering what happened to the effortless connection and simple love that you used to share.

However, when you are committed to Relationship as a Path of Growth, then any challenge that comes between you can truly be an opportunity to grow together.

If you get even a little bit upset with your partner, then rather than sweeping it under the rug, thinking “it’s not worth it”, or reacting harshly and then moving on with your day, you can learn to use this moment to strengthen your relationship and understand each other and yourself more deeply.

This all sounds nice, but in the moment of disharmony, how do you actually go about turning the conflict into an opportunity for growth?

Over years of practice, learning, practice, refining, and more practice, Matt and I have developed a helpful process for resolving conflict and turning it into growth and deeper intimacy.

We call it the MASTER framework.

It is not easy to stay in conversation with your partner when it’s uncomfortable. It can feel easier to run away, to withdraw, to attack, or to placate and ignore your own feelings or needs.

It requires courage and vulnerability to wade through the muck together, to get messy, and to go digging for the truth.

You won’t get it perfect on the first try. This kind of communication takes practice.

The important thing is that you are committed to Relationship as a Path of Growth, and you are willing stay with the process, mess it up, and try again.

Here is the MASTER Framework:

1. Moment

As soon as you are aware that your state is changing and that there is an interruption in the flow of love between you, take a moment to pause.

Stop, take a deep breath and get present in your body.

If things have gotten a bit heated and you notice that your heart rate has accelerated, your tone of voice has changed, and your vision has narrowed, then taking a moment can look like going for a walk, getting some water, or whatever else you feel that your body and mind could use to discharge some energy and get into a state for having a level conversation.

Taking a moment may range from a few seconds to recenter and breathe, to an hour to have some space and go for a walk.

The important thing is that you are both taking whatever time and space you need to get present in your body and discharge any energy that you don’t want to bring into the conversation, and then you are coming back together to work through the challenge as a team.

2. Allow

While you are taking a moment, allow yourself to feel the feelings you are experiencing.

Close your eyes, and feel your body. What sensations are you experiencing in your body?

What emotions are you experiencing?

As you become aware of the feelings, name them and allow them to be there exactly as they are, without trying to change them, without analyzing them or trying to make them go away.

Emotions are like tunnels. You need to go all the way through them to get to the light on the other side.

Going all the way through them means first allowing yourself to feel them, and then expressing the emotion however your body wants to. This could be crying, going for a run, holding yourself, shaking, or anything else that your body wants to do.

This is such an important step in the communication process that very often gets missed.

If you do not allow yourself to feel the feeling fully, then it is going to find another way to express itself, like being projected onto your partner.

If you want to be able to approach the conversation with understanding and grow from the experience, then allowing yourself to fully experience your emotions is key.

3. Sorry

After you’ve both had the time and space to allow yourself to fully feel what you are feeling, it’s time to come back together to resolve.

First, acknowledge your part in whatever transpired between you.

This can be challenging, especially when you have a lot of evidence to suggest that your partner is the one in the wrong in this situation.

However, a relationship is two ways, and each individual has some part in creating the situation.

Do your best to see your part in things. Then, genuinely apologize for anything you did or didn’t do, said or didn’t say, or the way of being you did or didn’t embody.

A genuine apology is one in which you take full responsibility for your own actions, regardless of your partner’s part in things.

A genuine apology does not have any “buts” or any other qualifiers.

This apology is a starting point to find some understanding with each other. After talking more you may find more to apologize for, and you can always do so when you feel the need.

4. Talk

Conversations in which both partners are able to fully express themselves and remain open to the other’s perspective with love and understanding are not easy, and they take practice.

During this step, each partner will have the opportunity to share their perspective while the other partner listens with full presence.

Choose which partner will go first.

Guidelines for the speaking partner:

• Look your partner in the eyes, breathe deeply, and stay present in your body.
  
• Speak in terms of your own feelings and experiences and use “I” statements to help with this.
  
• Share what is true for you, and don’t assume you know how your partner is feeling, or why they said or did what they did.
  
• Find the microscopic truth. As you are sharing, be as deeply honest as possible. Have the courage to share the truth beneath your feelings. This is where the true growth and deepest intimacy comes from. As you share, continue to ask yourself if what you are sharing is the deepest truth, or if there is something more beneath it.
  
• Follow the moment-to-moment experience. As you share, you may notice your own perspective shifting or your state changing. Maybe you started off thinking you were totally right about something, and as you share you may find some nuance, and your perspective may shift. Loosen your grip on your opinion, your stance, or being right about something, and instead keep coming back to what is most true in this moment.

Guidelines for the listening partner:

• Look your partner in the eyes, breathe deeply, and stay present in your body.
  
• Notice what you are feeling as your partner speaks, and allow those feelings to be there as you continue to listen.
  
• Remember that you will have your chance to speak next, so you can let your mind relax and just listen for now.
  
• If you start formulating responses or arguments in your mind, just notice, take a breath, and return your attention to what your partner is sharing.
  
• As you hear your partner, try to understand their perspective. Even if you do not agree with what they are saying, do your best to see it from their point of view.
  
• How your partner is feeling is true for them, just as how you are feeling is true for you.

 
The listening partner will continue to listen until the speaking partner has said everything they want to say. If they stop talking, the listening partner asks: is there anything else you want to say? Continue this until the speaking partner has nothing left to say.

Next, the partner who was listening will summarize what they heard the speaking partner say.

This is called mirroring. It gives you a chance to make sure you understood what your partner was expressing, and it gives the speaking partner a chance to reflect on what they shared, and clarify or go deeper into the truth.

As you mirror, you are not responding to what your partner said or adding your own perspective. You are summarizing what they said to make sure you understood.

If your partner wants to clarify or expand on anything, listen again while they do, and then mirror again until your partner is satisfied that they have been understood.

Then, change roles and complete the same process with the listener now becoming the speaker and the speaker now becoming the listener.

Once the second speaker is finished speaking, and the listener has mirrored, then you can switch roles again and continue this process until both partners feel like they have expressed everything they want to, they have been understood, and they have understood their partner.

There are many more ways we could explore having this kind of conversation, and having a Realtionship Coach can be very helpful to guide the process, offer additional tools and support, and hold a safe container for your experience.

5. Embrace

Once the talking process has naturally come to a completion, share a long and loving hug.

If it still feels difficult to hug each other at this point, then return to the process of talking outlined above. What are you feeling that is in the way of being in loving connection?

As you hug, allow yourself to melt into your partner and be fully held by their loving presence.

Feel gratitude for your partner, your relationship, and for yourself for being willing to have the courage to show up for a difficult conversation.

Cry if you need to, laugh if you need to - surrender to the present moment experience of the beautiful intimacy you have created together.

6. Resolutions & Requests

This is the step in which you will integrate what you have learned during the experience, and get curious together about how to grow from the situation.

How can you make sure you don’t repeat this conflict?

This is where requests come in.

What do you want to request of your partner? What could they do differently that would be helpful for you? Is there a boundary that you want to set that feels supportive to the relationship?

A helpful place to start when making a request is with an awareness of what need you are looking to take care of.

What need(s) of yours was unmet during this challenge? What would you like to request of your partner to support you in having this need met?

Keep in mind that a request is not a demand. With a request, you are asking your partner if they are willing to do something, and they can respond with a yes or a no. If they are not willing to fulfil your request, then work together to find a solution that fulfils both of your needs.

Let’s say that during the talking step you realized that you desire your partner’s full attention when you are speaking.

Here is an example of how you might request this:

It would be helpful for me if you give me your full presence while I am speaking to you, and you ask for clarification. Are you willing to do that?

The partner receiving the request should say whether or not they are willing to do this, and how they will do it.

For example:

Yes, I will give you my full presence while you are speaking. In order to do that, it would be helpful for me if you do not interrupt me while I am working, but instead, ask me when a good time to talk would be. Are you willing to do that?

Continue this process until you both feel that you have taken the lessons from this challenge, and made the requests to help ensure the challenge won’t be repeated.

As part of the resolution, you may wish to distill the lessons you learned together from this challenge and write them down somewhere to help you remember and integrate what you learned.

Hopefully this process shows you how you can mine for gold in your relationship by using your challenges as fuel for your growth.

As you embark on Relationship as a Path of Growth, if you would like someone in your corner to help you elevate to the next level of love, connection, and magic in your partnership, please reach out to me to explore Love and Relationship Coaching.

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