How to Create Habits That Actually Stick

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” 

- Aristotle

We are what we repeatedly do.

Our identity is shaped by our actions.

Our actions are shaped by our habits.

My question for you today is, how are your habits being shaped?

Are they being formed unconsciously, or have you consciously chosen them?

So many of the things we do every day are not done consciously, but by habit. This makes sense - rather than using energy to make decisions over and over again, our brain puts the things we do frequently on autopilot so that we can use that decision energy for something else.

You probably don’t think about which shoe to put on first, or what to do when you first get out of bed. These things have become habits.

It is not only our actions that can become habits.

We also have habits in our interactions, and emotional habits.

Do you consciously choose the way you will interact with your partner when you come through the door?

Do you consciously choose the way you respond to your partner when you are feeling upset?

Do you consciously choose the way you say goodnight?

How many moments of your interactions are rooted in habit? 

If you want to level up in your relationship (and really all areas of your life!), then becoming a master of your habits is a serious superpower.

 The first step is becoming aware of your current habits, and noticing which ones are helpful, and which ones could do with an upgrade. 

Here are the key factors:

1. Become aware of your current habits.

This requires cultivating a self-awareness of your automatic behaviours and responses. This doesn’t happen overnight, but it is something that you can definitely cultivate more and more over time.

The best tool for this? Meditation!

In meditation we practice observing our thoughts (most of which are habits, by the way!), and being the witness to those thoughts rather than being swept up in them.

The more we practice this self-awareness, the more we will notice the moments throughout our days that we react, respond, or behave in an unconscious, habitual way.

2. Pause between stimulus and response.

Viktor Frankl said, “in between stimulus and response, there is a gap. In that gap lies our freedom.”

Every habit starts with a trigger, also known as a que, or a stimulus.

Basically, something happens in your environment (inner or outer), which signals to your brain and body to insert the habit.

Most of the time, the habit plays out right away and we don’t even realize (our brains are pretty efficient like that).

Our power comes when we notice the trigger, and we intercept the habit response.

Instead of playing out the habit, we take a pause. Take a breath.

3. Choose the optimal response.

Once you’ve noticed the trigger and taken a pause, the next step is to choose a more optimal response.

This is a great time to connect with your highest self for some guidance.

What would the best version of me do in this situation?

What do I really want?

What would be the most loving way to approach this?

These steps will help you become aware of your current habits, and move them from unconscious to conscious.

Then, it’s time to create new, empowering habits that will help you thrive in your relationship and life.

Okay, flashback time to earlier in this blog post when I said “Our identity is shaped by our actions. Our actions are shaped by our habits”.

Well guess what? Our habits are also shaped by our identity. Full circle!

So, our habits shape our actions, which shape our identity, which shapes our habits.

Let me unpack that.

If you have the identity of an athlete - for example, “I am a runner”, then creating a habit of going for a jog every day is going to come pretty naturally.

If you have the identity “I am healthy, I treat my body as a temple”, then creating a habit of making healthy food choices is going to come naturally.

So, when we’re talking about creating new habits, starting with the identity is super powerful.

What does the best version of your relationship look like?

Who are you when you are at your best in your relationship?

Who are you when you are most energized, most vibrant, alive and loving?

It’s helpful to put these ideas into simple “I am __” statements to anchor in that identity.

Now, you can use that identity to help shape the habits you will create to make that version of yourself the one that is expressed more and more of the time.

Creating a New Habit

Okay, you’re clear on who you are at your best in your relationship and life.

Now, let’s create a habit that helps you BE that person more consistently.

What is 1 thing that you know you could do every day, that would improve the quality of your relationship, or any area of your life?

Got it? Let’s make the habit!

BJ Fogg, PhD Behaviour Scientist at Stanford University, outlines the 3 keys for creating new habits in his book, Tiny Habits:

1. Make it Easy

If you want to create a habit of spending 1 hour of no-screen, deep connection time with your partner each day, then create the habit by choosing the easiest version of this. How about 1 minute of no–screen, deep connection time?

If you commit to the easiest possible version of your habit, then you are much more likely to actually do it!

Getting started is the hardest part, and once you get started, you can always keep going for a full hour of deep connection time.

Making it easy also means that on days when you don’t have the energy to do the full 5km run, or you don’t have the time for a full 30min meditation, then you can do the Tiny Habit, the easiest version of the habit, to keep the habit intact.

2. Make it Obvious

How can you make the behaviour obvious?

For example, if you want to do yoga each morning, you could put your yoga mat and clothes out the night before right where you will see them when you get up.

If you want to eat healthier, keep your cupboards and fridge full of healthy food.

Another way to make a habit obvious is to create a reminder for yourself, like an alarm on your phone, or a sticky note on your mirror.

3. CELEBRATE!

This is actually the MOST important part of creating a new habit!

It’s also the part that usually gets overlooked, which explains why so many habits fail to stick.

When you do the habit that you are trying to install, CELEBRATE.

How? Immediately, and intensely.

It might feel a bit silly at first, but do not skip this step!!

If you did the no-screen, deep connection time with your partner, afterward, say - GO US! Give high fives, do a happy dance, fist pump - whatever makes you feel that SHINE (this is the name Fogg gives to the emotion that comes along with celebrating ourselves for doing something awesome - like the feeling you have when you ace a test).

Celebration gives us a little hit of dopamine, which signals to our brain, “this is good! Keep doing this!”.

Each time we do the habit and celebrate, we strengthen the new neural pathway.

Over time, with enough repetition and celebration, the new habit will start to become automatic.

Mastering this process of habit creation is one of the most powerful skills you can cultivate.

Being excellent at creating new habits and intercepting old ones means that you can consciously choose how you want to be in each moment.

You are no longer a slave to conditioned responses, to old habits of thinking and being that no longer serve you.

Instead, you have the power to choose the response that is in alignment with your highest self.

When you do this consistently, you can’t help but continue to spiral up, expressing the best within yourself more and more consistently, shining your light in the world, and thriving in your relationship.

When is the best time to do this? TODAY!

If you’re looking for some inspiration, check out our FREE Guide, “17 Habits for an Outstanding Relationship”.

We go into more detail about the process of creating habits, and we give you 17 ideas for positive habits that you can install in your relationship!

Download Guide