Relationship Growth Cycle

In our last post, we talked about the foundation for a great relationship.

Once this foundation is established, any challenge that comes up in the relationship becomes fuel for growth, an opportunity to deepen your love and connection. This creates a beautiful partnership in which each partner supports the others' growth.

The cycle of growth is an always evolving process. We love Ray Dalio's model of spiralling upwards (from his great book, Principles):

It reminds us that we will make progress, and - because we are human - we will make mistakes. If we are willing to learn from those mistakes rather than push them aside, then we continue to spiral upward together.

The game is to make our previous best our new baseline, and approach the whole process with love and levity.

We see the big picture growth cycle as consisting of 3 main parts:

Gratitude - Repotentialization - Action - Gratitude

First, starting with Gratitude for life exactly as it is right now. For your relationship exactly as it is right now. Recognizing that even if there are some challenges, these challenges are exactly what you need to create an even more wonderful relationship.

This starting point of Gratitude for life as it is right now is so key. Why? Because life is only ever happening in this present moment. We can get caught in the trap of thinking that someday, once x, y, and z happen... then things will be better. But if we haven't cultivated the ability to love our life in this present moment, then when that someday comes, we won't be able to love it - we will again be thinking that someday once x, y, z.... You see? Loving your life, having gratitude for life, has to happen in this very moment. There is no other option, since this present moment is where life is always unfolding.

When we have gratitude for life as it is right now, then we can think about our future from a place of inspiration. Repotentialization is the process of becoming present to what potential exists for your relationship (as a whole, or with regards to a particular challenge).

For example, if you've been having a challenge with finances as a couple, you can first start with being truly grateful for the connection that you have with your partner, and the love that you share, everything that you have. Then, you can get curious and ask yourself what could be possible for you two in this area? What would it look like if you were able to experience even more abundance, ease, and fun? Discuss this vision with your partner and come up with something that inspires you both.

If you jump right to Repotentialization rather than starting with Gratitude, it can become a feeling of "I wish things were different..." or "it shouldn't be like this...". This is not an inspiring state from which to create the next level of growth.

Once you've identified a vision for your relationship or the particular challenge, the next step is Action. It is great to think about this and talk about it, but the only way things will really start to shift is if we take action.

So, ask yourself: What is the #1 thing I/we can START doing to move toward this vision?
What is the #1 thing I/we can STOP doing to move toward this challenge?

When you're considering this, think about what action would have the most impact in this area.

Then... do it!

The cycle then comes back to Gratitude. Once you've identified the action and you do the action, have gratitude for whatever the result is.

Holding on to an expectation for what the result of our action will be often leads to disappointment if reality doesn't meet our expectation.

If you've chosen an action to take, but it didn't make a difference, or had a negative impact, great! You've just discovered something NOT to do. Have gratitude that you gave it a try and that you have the awareness to see that it was an effective action, and that you get to give it another try.

Whatever the result, have Gratitude. This is how you will come to love the process of optimizing your relationship. This is how you will come to see any challenge that comes up as a beautiful opportunity to grow together, rather than a sign that something is wrong with the relationship.

Love Fully,

Cass & Matt