What if I Want to Grow but My Partner Doesn't?

There is a common dilemma that I witness in couples.

What happens when one partner has the desire to grow, to consciously work toward expressing the highest version of themselves, and the other partner doesn’t seem to share this desire?

In other words, what do I do when I want to grow and my partner doesn’t?

This is a natural phase in the journey of conscious relationship.

Sometimes, two people come together in a relationship, each already having a commitment to their own personal and spiritual growth, and they can naturally share that path together and support each other’s growth.

Other times, a couple will discover their thirst for self-actualization together, from a shared experience, a course, or book that sparks the fire, and they can enthusiastically embark on the path of growth together.

And many times, one partner connects to their desire for growth, but the other partner doesn’t share their enthusiasm.

This can be a difficult situation.

In this blog post I’ll offer some perspectives to help you navigate this period, and at the end I’ll give you a framework for having a conversation with your partner about growing together that I hope will help to guide the way forward.

If you want to read more about Relationship as a Path of Growth before diving in, read this post.

Torn in Two

On one hand, you have the burning desire to know your potential (as Sri Ramakrishna said, “Do not seek illumination unless you seek it as a man whose hair is on fire seeks a pond”). On the other hand, you may feel some fear or doubt - what if you “outgrow” your partner? What if your partner doesn’t like the changes you make along your journey? What if they don’t love you anymore?

You may also experience some judgement or resentment from your partner - this is natural too. 

The thing is, the many aspects of ourselves that have helped us navigate through life to this point in time do not want to be challenged. There is a big part of us that just wants to stay where it is comfortable. The ego does not like to change and grow, because growth threatens the existence of parts of the ego.

If your partner is comfortable where they are at, and you are all of a sudden making changes and thinking in new ways, this will challenge your partner. It will rub up against the parts of them that just want to stay comfortable. The natural response to this feeling is defensiveness, which can also express itself as judgement, criticism, or resentment.

During this time, do your best to honour your partner’s experience, and allow them to feel as they feel without taking it too personally. Recognize that these responses are more of a response to their own discomfort than to you.

Understanding this will help you to hold their experience with love.

And, have compassion for yourself at this time. You are in the beautiful murky waters of uncertainty, and it takes immense courage to be true to yourself when you feel that it may threaten the relationship.

Be the Change

Start unilaterally - that means starting with your own commitment to growth, without waiting for your partner to be fully on board.

Sometimes this is the turning point.

Especially if you’ve only been talking about the ways you want to grow or change, but holding back from actually doing anything about it because you have the story that you need your partner to be on board first.

Sometimes the idea of growth is too abstract and too much of an unknown for your partner to get behind. But, if you start diving into your own personal growth work - doing the learning, the unlearning, and following where your curiosity leads you - your partner may start to notice positive changes in you, and may become curious and inspired.

Of course, Gandhi’s famous quote comes to mind: “Be the change you wish to see in the world” - and that includes in your relationship.

Stop waiting for permission to take the leap - to sign up for that course, to change the way you eat or sleep or move, to hire a coach, to explore spirituality, or whatever it is that is calling to you.

If your journey of self-actualization is important to you, then honour that, and really anchor in the commitment to growth that you have for yourself and your life.

OWN it!

Portal for Growth

On this path, EVERYthing can be a portal for growth.

Meaning, the challenge that you face with finding alignment with your partner is also a portal for growth.

It is a fork in the road that will put you on a new trajectory - whether that is a sacred commitment to grow together on the path of relationship, or the agreement to walk your own separate paths.

When you stay committed to your truth, it won’t always lead you on the easy path, but it will lead you on the ultimately more fulfilling, rewarding path meant to facilitate your growth in this lifetime. And the only way to discover what that path is, is to take a step forward, with courage, into the discomfort of uncertainty. To ask the big questions even if it feels scary.

Having a Conversation

 In this conversation the goal is not to convince, nor is it to get permission.

The aim is to express the truth of your desire and commitment for a life of growth and flourishing, and the truth of your love and your desire to share this path together. It is to offer the invitation to your partner to walk the path of conscious relationship - to embark together on Relationship as a Path of Growth.

An important foundation of growth is the practice of total acceptance of yourself where you are right now, and total acceptance of your partner as they are right now.

 As soon as we find ourselves thinking we need to change before we can fully love ourselves, or that our partner would be perfect if only they….  We do not have the roots necessary to truly grow and flourish.

 So, as you approach this conversation, be mindful of any ways you are not accepting yourself or your partner as you are right now, and welcome in more acceptance and love for your current reality.

 
Here are some general steps that can help you guide this conversation:

1. Spend some time in silence with yourself, and get in touch with your genuine desire to grow. Ask yourself what you really want.
2. Anchor in your own commitment to growth - spiritual growth, self-actualization, or however else you relate to your growth journey.
3. Feel the love for your partner, and sense the truth of whether you want to invite your partner to grow alongside you.
4. Arrange a time to talk with your partner when you have plenty of time, and no distractions. Put the phones away, turn the TV off, and be with each other in full presence.
5. Start with love. Express the truth of the love that you have for your partner. Express your gratitude for them, and your gratitude for the relationship you share. Express some of the things that you love most about them - their specific strengths and unique qualities that you admire and cherish.
6. Express your own desire to grow and what that means to you. Be mindful not to share this from a place of wanting to convince or justify. Go within, connect to your genuine desire to be on the path of growth, and express the truth of that to your partner.
7. Invite your partner to grow alongside you. Express the ways in which you are excited to witness the growth of your partner. What beautiful potential do you see in your partner that you are excited to support them to bring to fruition?
   What are you excited to create in your life together?
   If you commit to this path of growth together, how do you envision your relationship flourishing?
   How do you want to feel in your relationship?
   What does committing to a path of growth together mean to you?
8. Ask your partner to share what growth means to them, and the ways in which they desire to grow personally and as a couple. Take as much time as you both want to talk about what growth means to each of you and the relationship.
9. Each partner, declare your commitment to your own personal growth, to growing together, and to supporting the other in their growth.
10. What will you do because of this conversation? What will change because of your commitment?
    For example, will you create a new habit, or uninstall one that isn’t working for you?
    Start examining and questioning your limiting beliefs?
    Join a community of growth-minded people?
    Enroll in a course?
    Give each other time and space to pursue something new?
    Revisit your abundance allocation plan to set aside money for books, courses, or coaching?
    Book a spiritual retreat? 
    Make a free account on Optimize by Heroic - More Wisdom in Less Time?

Throughout this process leave space for your partner to share if they desire to, and be sure to listen with full presence.

It can be helpful to have the guidance of a coach through this process, to help guide the conversation and to help maintain the focus on the inner experience rather than falling into defensiveness, justification, or other patterns that will block the flow of love.

If you’re currently navigating this, I’m sending you all of the love and courage.

Trust that everything will work out, and remember that every experience can be an invitation to know yourself more deeply, to know your partner more deeply, and to grow.