How to Build Trust (and Rebuild It When It’s Broken)

Trust is foundational in relationships.

It's what creates that feeling of safety and security in your relationship. Trust is earned and ever practiced. It’s made up of all the commitments that you make and keep.

It can be really challenging when there’s a breach of trust in a relationship. Unfortunately, there’s no magic pill to help you regain that trust.

It’s not going to come down to just saying nice things or reassuring your partner that they can trust you. All you can do to regain trust is to be trustworthy.

Becoming Trustworthy

Trust is something you demonstrate again and again. You have to show that you are worthy of trust by keeping your commitments. The first step is to ask yourself:

• What am I committing to?

• Am I keeping my word?

• Or am I just saying these things and maybe following through, maybe not?

This starts first and foremost with yourself. Trust begins internally. You need to be able to trust yourself in order to be trustworthy to others.

Self-Commitment and Trustworthiness

If you want to know how trustworthy you are, look at what percentage of the commitments to yourself you are keeping. For example:

• If you say, “Tomorrow, I’m going to work out,” and then you don’t.

• Or, you set your alarm for 7:00 but hit the snooze button.

These are broken commitments to yourself.

Become really aware of all the commitments you make—whether consciously or unconsciously. A lot of times, the best thing most people can do is make far fewer commitments. Only commit to something if you’re 100% sure you’re going to do it.

For me, at first, it was about becoming aware of all the things I said I would do and didn’t. It came from a program I did 12 years ago called Landmark, which taught me about the power of my word and what it really means. The first step was to commit to a lot less, and then, when I say I’m going to do something, to just do it.

Starting Small

It’s important to start small. For instance:

• “I’m going to take out the garbage today.”
  Then do it. That’s you keeping your word.

Through this process, you discover that you are a powerful creator. We are all powerful creators. But when we break commitments to ourselves and others, we give up that power because then our word doesn’t mean anything in the world.

Our word is the first step in bringing something from an idea or a thought into the physical world, into our reality. When you keep your word and do what you say you’re going to do over and over again, you gain trust in yourself. You know that when you say something, it’s going to happen, and that builds confidence.

Confidence and Trust

The word confidence comes from the Latin “con - fidere”, which means “with intense trust.” True confidence comes from trusting that when you say you’re going to do something, you know you’re going to do it. And other people can count on you as well.

There are a lot of reasons why we make commitments that we ought not to make. Sometimes we just want to please others, knowing they want us to do something. We say, “Sure, I’ll do it,” to get them off our case or to avoid upsetting them. Notice if you’re doing that.

Overcommitting and Systems for Success

Sometimes we overcommit, even with the best intentions, but then we struggle to keep those commitments. If you don’t have a system in place, it’s hard to keep track. For me, writing things down was very helpful.

When you make a commitment, think, “How am I going to remember this?”

• Write it down.

• Put it in your calendar.

• Set an alarm.

Another good rule is the “two-minute rule”: if it takes less than two minutes and you’re not in the middle of something, just do it now.

Committing From a Place of “Should”

Another reason we overcommit is that we’re acting from a place of “should.” This could be our own internal shoulds—things we think we ought to do—often based on some kind of fear. As a result, we make commitments to ourselves and others from this place of fear.

Of course, we’re human. We will slip up sometimes, even when trying hard to practice keeping our commitments. So what do we do when that happens?

Repairing Broken Commitments

Let’s say you tell your partner, “I’ll be home at 6,” and then you show up at 6:15. It might not seem like a big deal, but you gave your word, and you didn’t keep it.

Instead of brushing it off, acknowledge the broken commitment. Say:

• “I know I said I’d be home at 6, and it’s 6:15. I’m sorry if that had any impact on you. I’ll make sure I’m home when I say I will next time.”

Small things like this build trust. It shows that what you say is important.

Setting Realistic Expectations

If you want to avoid breaking commitments, try giving yourself more flexibility. Instead of saying, “I’ll be home at 6,” say, “I’ll be home between 6:00 and 6:30,” or, “I’ll message you when I’m on my way home.”

It’s okay to avoid committing altogether if you’re unsure. For instance, if someone asks you to do something and you’re not 100% sure, say something like:

• “I’d really like to, but I can’t commit to that right now. Let’s check in later.”
  
  

The Power of Acknowledging Mistakes

When you break a commitment, own up to it immediately. It builds trust. Even small things, like saying you’ll take out the compost and not doing it, matter. Acknowledge the mistake and repair it.

When we consistently keep our word, even in small things, we become more trustworthy, not only to others but also to ourselves. And the more we trust ourselves, the easier it is to trust others.

The Trust Exercise: Commitment Cleanup

Here’s an exercise to help you clean up your commitments:

1. What commitments have you made that you still intend to follow through on?
   Write them down and recommit to them.

2. What commitments have you made that you’ve broken?
   Who do you need to talk to in order to repair the breach of trust? Even if they aren’t upset, for your own sake, acknowledge the broken commitment and apologize.

3. What commitments have you made that you need to uncommit from?
   These are commitments you know you won’t follow through on. Break them formally—whether with yourself or someone else. Have a conversation, explain why, and propose an alternative if necessary.
   
   

Conclusion: Trust Is Built on Small Actions Over Time

Remember, trust is built on small commitments kept over time. It’s about being consistent, repairing mistakes, and knowing when to say no. As you practice this, you’ll strengthen your trust in yourself and in others, deepening your relationships along the way.